Perspective.

Ok, I'll admit it.

I've been a bit of a grump lately.

I'm not sure why, exactly, probably some combination of sickly and puking kiddos coupled with a severe case of spring fever and not enough alcohol to drown it out, with a side of not enough time doing what I love, like reading and hot gluing and sewing and sitting on the couch eating Doritos and watching Survivor while trying to get Jeff Probst to tweet me back.  Jeff, I'm here!!!!  Right here!!!  I'm your biggest fan!!!

Ahem.

Anyway, I knew my behavior had been noticed when cj interrupted a perfectly reasonable conversation I was having with zj about why his socks didn't "feel right" and how he was going to have to by-God wear his socks to school anyway and STOP. WHINING. NOW. THEY. ARE. JUST. SOCKS!!! with "Mama, shhhhhhhhhhh. You watch your ATTITUDE!  NOW!"

Nothing like getting called out by your two year old.

Then on Wednesday, I got up, got the boys dressed and got zj off to school, then bundled cj in the car and headed to the grocery, which is NOT on my list of favored tasks.  And I was grumpy about it. Very, very grumpy.

I usually go to this other store ok, it's Wal-Mart, stop judging me, it's cheaper, but I had a couple store coupons for Kroger, so I went there instead.

On the way there, it was raining and dreary and windy, which matched my "I hate to grocery shop" mood perfectly.

I did my grocery shopping, grumbling about it the whole time - "Why do they put these displays in the aisle so I can't get around them?" "What kind of store doesn't carry cherry extract?" "$5 for bacon? Highway robbery!!!" "Cj, stop grabbing.  STOP GRABBING!!!  STOP GRABBING!!!!" - but I did it.

It was POURING rain when we left, and cj and I both got soaked.  Grumble, grumble, grumble...

It wasn't until after I had been home for a little while that I realized I had missed something major.

I got a text from a friend.  "You guys ok?" she texted.  "I heard the weather was pretty bad up there."

Hmmm...  Considering she lives several hundred miles away, I thought that was strange.  I got online and read with shock and horror that there had been four - FOUR - confirmed tornadoes in my neck of the woods - one of them just minutes from where I had been grocery shopping with cj.

And then the texts, Facebook messages, emails and calls began pouring in.  People I hadn't talked to in years - literally, years - were checking in to make sure we were ok.

And we were.  We were fine.  So fine, in fact, that I missed all the terribleness going on all around me.

But not everyone was so lucky.

Someone I used to work with lost her house.   Her roof was ripped off and her house was pretty much a total loss.

Other I know had major storm damage.

Fifty homes, give or take, were damaged and/or destroyed.

Lives were changing all around me and I was pissed about the price of laundry detergent and a poor selection of grapes.

So I don't care what you call it - good karma, divine blessings, or something else to suit you, but my family has it.  In spades.

My boys are healthy and happy.  I have a wonderful husband who provides for us.  We have everything we need, and most of the things we want, and I have a great group of extended family and friends.  My biggest worry on most days is what to cook for dinner and most of my difficult decisions revolve around whether to stay up and watch Castle on Monday nights or just to let the dvr catch it for me.  We are blessed.  And I need to remember that.

Ok, I got it.  I can be obtuse sometimes and stubborn other times, but I got it now.  Message received.

One attitude adjustment, coming right up.

Angry birds.

As you read this, I am under attack.  Although I have been able to hold out and hold strong for nearly a week, I think they are getting closer.  And smarter.  And closer.  And there are so many of them now.  I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to fend them off.  They're coming.  They're COMING.  THEY'RE COMING!!!


Ahem.

Well.

One day last week as I was making my way down to the basement so I could bust out a few miles on the treadmill, I heard a weird scratching noise.  Immediately I thought mouse, and while that wasn't a terribly delightful prospect, I felt mostly equipped to deal with whatever I found.  As I got closer to the French doors at the bottom of the basement landing, I realized it was no mouse.  Instead, I saw a beautiful cardinal banging its head over and over against the glass in an attempt to get in my house.

Weird, right?

I watched him (it was a him - beautiful bright red) for a couple minutes till he flew away, then went on with my run and promptly forgot all about it.

Until later, when I was in my kitchen and I saw the bird again, this time attached to the screen of my kitchen window, scratching and pecking away.  I shooed him off, and he flew away again.  Then he came back.  I shooed.  He came back.  Shoo.  Return.  Shoo.  Return.

Having lived in exactly the same house for eight years and having never experienced a bird quite this determined to get in, I turned to my trusted friend Google to tell me what was going on.  I typed in "cardinal trying to get into my house."

Oh, hell.

It's bad.  Really, really bad.

I read and read and read and finally narrowed it down to the following scenarios:

1.  He wants to get in to peck my eyeballs out and eat them.  (This is the most likely to be true.)
2.  He sees his reflection in the glass and is trying to fight it for territorial reasons. (This won't work for me.  At. ALL.  The only thing worse than getting my eyes pecked out is living in a house where I have to keep the shades pulled all the time.  My own particular brand of crazy requires natural sunlight, and lots of it.)
3.  He is an omen of terrible things to come. (If by terrible things to come we are talking about getting my eyes pecked out, then I'll buy this one.)
4.  He is the spirit of a departed loved one who is trying to communicate with me. (Uh, Grandma, can't you just send a butterfly or something?  This bird is seriously starting to freak me out.)
5.  He wants to get in to peck my eyeballs out and eat them. (See number 1.)

I took a picture and texted it to RJ:

"This crazy-ass cardinal is trying to get into the house to peck my eyes out.  If you come home tonight and I have no eyes, this is what the perp looks like."

Strangely, I got no sympathy there.

Anyway, I went on with my day, and when it got dark outside my new friend disappeared and I thought that was that.

Until the next day, when he came back. And brought a friend.

 
And so it went.  Every day.  And it's getting worse.

A week later, I see no less than a dozen or so of these cardinals at a time, at a variety of windows, pecking and scratching and dreaming about how juicy my eyeballs are going to be.

My sis B totally thought I was making this up and/or exaggerating until I started sending her video clips of them:

So while I will freely admit that I am prone to a bit of exaggeration from time to time, this shit is real, y'all.  These things are trying to get me.

If you don't hear from me in the next few days, send help.  Or cats.  Or a seeing eye dog.

Because it's just a matter of time, I think.

Instant karma.

I drive like a little old lady.

I always obey every traffic law, never go over the speed limit, feel like a rebel when I occasionally turn right on red, and get in the lane I'm by-God going to need to be in and stay there.

I also prefer not to make left turns and carefully map out my trips and errands so as to avoid crossing the street as much as possible.

Oh, and I have a pretty low tolerance for anyone who does not drive just like me.  Pass me on the right when I'm CLEARLY doing ALMOST the speed limit?  The Fist gets shaken at you, and shaken hard.  Don't use your turn signal EVERY SINGLE TIME?  It's the Fist of Rage for you.

I'm super popular on road trips.

Anyway, the other day I was heading out with cj to run few errands, and as I was driving down the small rural road we live on, I met a garbage truck.

Now for you city slickers that's probably not a huge deal.  You just switch lanes and go on about your business.  But out in the country with our super narrow two lane roads, you sometimes - ok, usually - have to stop and wait for the guys to get the trash all dumped into the truck and then take the trash cans back across the street to the proper place.

On this particular day, however, coming up behind me at great speeds as I stopped to wait for the garbage men to finish their task, was the A$$hole.

Just in case this doesn't make any sense at all, from a logistical standpoint, I drew you a lovely picture:

It's totally clear now, I'm sure.

Anyway, as I sat and waited for the garbage men to take the cans back across the street, I could see the A$$hole in my rearview mirror.  He appeared a bit put out at having to stop, where by "a bit put out" I mean he was screaming and gunning his engine and riding right up on my back bumper.

Wow, dude.  I have places to be, too.  The difference between you and me though?  I left on time.  Not my problem that you're running behind.

So, the garbage truck moved on, and I resumed my drive - at the speed limit, of course, and the A$$hole is riding my bumper the whole way.

I tapped my brakes a couple times, quite politely, of course, to let him know I was uncomfortable with his following distance.

The yelling and engine gunning continued.

Dude, the 6 cylinder engine in your 10 year old SUV doesn't exactly elicit a fearful response on my part.

Then, as I approached a stop sign, I actually had the audacity to come to a COMPLETE stop.   It was too much for the A$$hole, who, with a final gunning of engine, went around me at the stop sign and took off like a bat out of Hell to whatever place was so important.

I continued on my way, thinking a few unkind thoughts about him as I drove along.  A few miles down the road, I saw some flashing lights on the side of the road.  Immediately thinking accident, I slowed down and carefully and cautiously approached.  As I got closer, I could see that it was a police officer who had someone pulled over.

Then I saw the car.  Could it be?  Would it be?  Really?  Oh yes.  It was the A$$hole, pulled over on the side of the road,  hopefully probably getting a ticket for speeding or reckless driving or general A$$hole behavior.

Karma.

Yeah, it's a bitch.