Angry Birds 2

So a few months ago I shared with you how there were cardinals tapping at my windows because they wanted to eat my eyes out.

Yeah, well, guess what?  They're still here.

There are still many, many cardinals that I see on a daily basis, but this one particular one has become quite forward.

He even knocks on the front door.

So, I've decided to make the best of the situation.

I have named him Oscar, and I've recruited him to be my new therapist.

I've been in the market for one since my last one dumped me.

"I'm not sure I can help you any more," she said.  "You're saner than I am."  

I went without fuss, because I didn't want to pay $85 an hour to anyone who was clearly delusional.

Anyway, back to me and Oscar.

We have some pretty great talks.  He has been a great help to me on working out some issues.  It really helps to have someone to talk to who really GETS you, and who doesn't judge, no matter what you say.

Me:  "Hey, Oscar.  Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  It's just that there's been something bothering me lately, and it has to do with our professional relationship, and I've been hesitant to bring it up..."

Oscar:  "SQWAAAAAAKKK!!!" I want to eat your juicy eyeballs out!!!  EAT THEM!!! EAT THEM!!!

Me:  "It's probably just me, but I've been feeling lately like maybe you have a bit of an AGENDA when we talk.  And I don't always feel like I have your full attention sometimes."

Oscar: PECK PECK PECK PECK.  Eyeballs.  I want your eyeballs.

Me:  "It's just me, isn't it?  I've always been a little paranoid.  Since I was a little kid, I guess.  Always thinking that people were talking about me, or were out to get me somehow.  It was never anything I've ever been able to talk about before, though..."

Oscar:  STARES INTENTLY.  Eyeballs...  Yummy juicy eyeballs...

Me: "Oh, and the other thing, well, I feel kind of silly about even bringing it up, but I'm supposed to be completely honest here, right?  It's a judgement-free zone?"  Laughs uneasily.  "It's just that I've been having these crazy dreams.  And in these dreams, I keep dreaming about YOU.  Oh, not THOSE kinds of dreams!  How could even think that???  No, I just keep dreaming that you're out to get me somehow.  That you're trying to hurt me.  And there's a lot of eye symbolism in my dreams too.  Weird, right?"

Oscar:  Let me in let me in LET ME IN LETMEIN!!!!!  


Me:  "I feel better already now that I have that off my chest.  Our talks always make me feel better.  Stronger.  More ready to face the world.  You, Oscar, are an excellent therapist.  Oh, by the way, since you keep encouraging me to be honest and open with you, even when it's a little embarrassing, well, see, there's just one other thing?  Ya know?  That I feel like I need to say to you?"

Oscar:  PECKPECKPECKPECKPECKPECK.

Me: "Well, do you think maybe you could stop pooping all over my windowsills?  I mean, I think you are a GREAT therapist, really, please don't take offense.  You're awesome!  It's just a little bit, you know, unsightly, to have bird poop all over the place all the time.  Really, it's just a little thing that... oh, you just pooped again.  I guess it's too much to ask.  I'm sorry I brought it up.  No really, it's ok.  You go right ahead and poop wherever and whenever you feel like it.  I'll just deal with it.  It sounds like this is my issue, not yours.  So sorry.  So, looks like time's up for today.  Same time next week?"

Oscar: You won't make it till next week.  I WILL get in before then.  Eyeballs...  Juicy, yummy eyeballs... 

Angry birds.

As you read this, I am under attack.  Although I have been able to hold out and hold strong for nearly a week, I think they are getting closer.  And smarter.  And closer.  And there are so many of them now.  I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to fend them off.  They're coming.  They're COMING.  THEY'RE COMING!!!


Ahem.

Well.

One day last week as I was making my way down to the basement so I could bust out a few miles on the treadmill, I heard a weird scratching noise.  Immediately I thought mouse, and while that wasn't a terribly delightful prospect, I felt mostly equipped to deal with whatever I found.  As I got closer to the French doors at the bottom of the basement landing, I realized it was no mouse.  Instead, I saw a beautiful cardinal banging its head over and over against the glass in an attempt to get in my house.

Weird, right?

I watched him (it was a him - beautiful bright red) for a couple minutes till he flew away, then went on with my run and promptly forgot all about it.

Until later, when I was in my kitchen and I saw the bird again, this time attached to the screen of my kitchen window, scratching and pecking away.  I shooed him off, and he flew away again.  Then he came back.  I shooed.  He came back.  Shoo.  Return.  Shoo.  Return.

Having lived in exactly the same house for eight years and having never experienced a bird quite this determined to get in, I turned to my trusted friend Google to tell me what was going on.  I typed in "cardinal trying to get into my house."

Oh, hell.

It's bad.  Really, really bad.

I read and read and read and finally narrowed it down to the following scenarios:

1.  He wants to get in to peck my eyeballs out and eat them.  (This is the most likely to be true.)
2.  He sees his reflection in the glass and is trying to fight it for territorial reasons. (This won't work for me.  At. ALL.  The only thing worse than getting my eyes pecked out is living in a house where I have to keep the shades pulled all the time.  My own particular brand of crazy requires natural sunlight, and lots of it.)
3.  He is an omen of terrible things to come. (If by terrible things to come we are talking about getting my eyes pecked out, then I'll buy this one.)
4.  He is the spirit of a departed loved one who is trying to communicate with me. (Uh, Grandma, can't you just send a butterfly or something?  This bird is seriously starting to freak me out.)
5.  He wants to get in to peck my eyeballs out and eat them. (See number 1.)

I took a picture and texted it to RJ:

"This crazy-ass cardinal is trying to get into the house to peck my eyes out.  If you come home tonight and I have no eyes, this is what the perp looks like."

Strangely, I got no sympathy there.

Anyway, I went on with my day, and when it got dark outside my new friend disappeared and I thought that was that.

Until the next day, when he came back. And brought a friend.

 
And so it went.  Every day.  And it's getting worse.

A week later, I see no less than a dozen or so of these cardinals at a time, at a variety of windows, pecking and scratching and dreaming about how juicy my eyeballs are going to be.

My sis B totally thought I was making this up and/or exaggerating until I started sending her video clips of them:

So while I will freely admit that I am prone to a bit of exaggeration from time to time, this shit is real, y'all.  These things are trying to get me.

If you don't hear from me in the next few days, send help.  Or cats.  Or a seeing eye dog.

Because it's just a matter of time, I think.