Angry Birds 2

So a few months ago I shared with you how there were cardinals tapping at my windows because they wanted to eat my eyes out.

Yeah, well, guess what?  They're still here.

There are still many, many cardinals that I see on a daily basis, but this one particular one has become quite forward.

He even knocks on the front door.

So, I've decided to make the best of the situation.

I have named him Oscar, and I've recruited him to be my new therapist.

I've been in the market for one since my last one dumped me.

"I'm not sure I can help you any more," she said.  "You're saner than I am."  

I went without fuss, because I didn't want to pay $85 an hour to anyone who was clearly delusional.

Anyway, back to me and Oscar.

We have some pretty great talks.  He has been a great help to me on working out some issues.  It really helps to have someone to talk to who really GETS you, and who doesn't judge, no matter what you say.

Me:  "Hey, Oscar.  Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.  It's just that there's been something bothering me lately, and it has to do with our professional relationship, and I've been hesitant to bring it up..."

Oscar:  "SQWAAAAAAKKK!!!" I want to eat your juicy eyeballs out!!!  EAT THEM!!! EAT THEM!!!

Me:  "It's probably just me, but I've been feeling lately like maybe you have a bit of an AGENDA when we talk.  And I don't always feel like I have your full attention sometimes."

Oscar: PECK PECK PECK PECK.  Eyeballs.  I want your eyeballs.

Me:  "It's just me, isn't it?  I've always been a little paranoid.  Since I was a little kid, I guess.  Always thinking that people were talking about me, or were out to get me somehow.  It was never anything I've ever been able to talk about before, though..."

Oscar:  STARES INTENTLY.  Eyeballs...  Yummy juicy eyeballs...

Me: "Oh, and the other thing, well, I feel kind of silly about even bringing it up, but I'm supposed to be completely honest here, right?  It's a judgement-free zone?"  Laughs uneasily.  "It's just that I've been having these crazy dreams.  And in these dreams, I keep dreaming about YOU.  Oh, not THOSE kinds of dreams!  How could even think that???  No, I just keep dreaming that you're out to get me somehow.  That you're trying to hurt me.  And there's a lot of eye symbolism in my dreams too.  Weird, right?"

Oscar:  Let me in let me in LET ME IN LETMEIN!!!!!  

Me:  "I feel better already now that I have that off my chest.  Our talks always make me feel better.  Stronger.  More ready to face the world.  You, Oscar, are an excellent therapist.  Oh, by the way, since you keep encouraging me to be honest and open with you, even when it's a little embarrassing, well, see, there's just one other thing?  Ya know?  That I feel like I need to say to you?"


Me: "Well, do you think maybe you could stop pooping all over my windowsills?  I mean, I think you are a GREAT therapist, really, please don't take offense.  You're awesome!  It's just a little bit, you know, unsightly, to have bird poop all over the place all the time.  Really, it's just a little thing that... oh, you just pooped again.  I guess it's too much to ask.  I'm sorry I brought it up.  No really, it's ok.  You go right ahead and poop wherever and whenever you feel like it.  I'll just deal with it.  It sounds like this is my issue, not yours.  So sorry.  So, looks like time's up for today.  Same time next week?"

Oscar: You won't make it till next week.  I WILL get in before then.  Eyeballs...  Juicy, yummy eyeballs... 


  1. You are obviously in need of more kid/craft/cooking time and less alone time.............


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