"Thanks for calling Poison Control."
"Poison Control, this is Sandy how-may-I-help-you?"
"Um, yes, um, well, my kid just drank some shampoo. That's not bad, is it?"
Sandy: laughs a little "Well, it's not good, but it's not usually too serious. How old is your child?"
Me: "He's two and a half."
Sandy: "And what's his name?"
Me: "Um, do you really need to know that? I mean, if you think he's ok I'll just let you go and deal with some other really bad mom who let her kid eat bar soap or something. That stuff is HARSH on my skin so I can only imagine what..."
Sandy: interrupting "It's totally confidential and for follow-up purposes only. So, what's his name?"
Me: "Uh, Fred?"
Sandy: "Ok, and you said Fred drank some shampoo. Did you see this happen?"
Me: "OH MY GOD STOP JUDGING ME! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP! PLUS HE HAD TO TOTALLY MOVE THREE PIECES OF FURNITURE AND STACK THEM UP TO GET TO THE DRAWER IT WAS IN! AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!"
Sandy: soothingly "Ok, nobody here is judging you. These kinds of things happen all the time with little ones. I was only asking that question so we could determine how much shampoo he drank."
Me: "Oh. Well, the bottle was still half full, and he had a lot in his hair, and there was a lot on the floor, too. I wouldn't have even thought he had any to drink except he was, uh, ya know, burping bubbles?"
Sandy: "Oh my. Has he vomited yet?"
Sandy: "Well, he probably will. You should give him something light to drink, like Kool Aid, and then watch him closely for the next hour or so. If he doesn't vomit today, he may have some stomach discomfort and diarrhea tomorrow."
Me: "WHAT KIND OF PARENT DO YOU THINK I AM? I DON'T LET MY KIDS DRINK KOOL AID. THAT STUFF IS FULL OF SUGAR AND ALL KINDS OF UNNATURAL STUFF!"
Sandy: "Well, juice or water would be fine, too."
Me: sulkily "Ok. I'll give him some juice."
Sandy: "He should be just fine. Now I just need to get a little more information from you. What's your zip code?"
Me: "Uh, 00000?"
Sandy: sighing "Ok, and can I get a phone number so I can call you back in an hour or so to check up on how little Fred is doing?"
Me: "Uh, 555-1212?"
Sandy: "Thanks for calling Poison Control. You have a good day."