3/09/2012

"Thanks for calling Poison Control."


"Poison Control, this is Sandy how-may-I-help-you?"

"Um, yes, um, well, my kid just drank some shampoo.  That's not bad, is it?"

Sandy: laughs a little "Well, it's not good, but it's not usually too serious.  How old is your child?"

Me: "He's two and a half."

Sandy: "And what's his name?"

Me: "Um, do you really need to know that?  I mean, if you think he's ok I'll just let you go and deal with some other really bad mom who let her kid eat bar soap or something.  That stuff is HARSH on my skin so I can only imagine what..."

Sandy: interrupting "It's totally confidential and for follow-up purposes only.  So, what's his name?"

Me: "Uh, Fred?"

Sandy:  "Ok, and you said Fred drank some shampoo.  Did you see this happen?"

Me: "OH MY GOD STOP JUDGING ME! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP! PLUS HE HAD TO TOTALLY MOVE THREE PIECES OF FURNITURE AND STACK THEM UP TO GET TO THE DRAWER IT WAS IN!  AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP!"

Sandy: soothingly "Ok, nobody here is judging you.  These kinds of things happen all the time with little ones.  I was only asking that question so we could determine how much shampoo he drank."

Me: "Oh.  Well, the bottle was still half full, and he had a lot in his hair, and there was a lot on the floor, too.  I wouldn't have even thought he had any to drink except he was, uh, ya know, burping bubbles?"

Sandy: "Oh my.  Has he vomited yet?"

Me: "No."

Sandy: "Well, he probably will.  You should give him something light to drink, like Kool Aid, and then watch him closely for the next hour or so.  If he doesn't vomit today, he may have some stomach discomfort and diarrhea tomorrow."

Me: "WHAT KIND OF PARENT DO YOU THINK I AM? I DON'T LET MY KIDS DRINK KOOL AID.  THAT STUFF IS FULL OF SUGAR AND ALL KINDS OF UNNATURAL STUFF!"

Sandy: "Well, juice or water would be fine, too."

Me: sulkily "Ok.  I'll give him some juice."

Sandy: "He should be just fine.  Now I just need to get a little more information from you. What's your zip code?"

Me: "Uh, 00000?"

Sandy: sighing "Ok, and can I get a phone number so I can call you back in an hour or so to check up on how little Fred is doing?"

Me: "Uh, 555-1212?"

Sandy: "Thanks for calling Poison Control.  You have a good day."

Me: CLICK.

8 comments:

  1. I've always thought poison control would be a great place to work. Imagine all the good stories you could bring home. Any the people I've talked to there always sound so chipper and happy. Probably because they aren't the ones soon to be thrown up on.

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    1. When I spoke to Sandy, I got a vision of somebody's Grandma sitting in her living room, muting her "story" on the tv when the phone rang so she could tell yet another semi-hysterical parent that her kid was about to barf.

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  2. I'm so sorry ---- you can probably hear me laughing all the way to Etown.

    I am allowed to laugh hysterically, since my boys sprayed Roundup on each other last summer. I was in the shower with them, screaming while Brett called Poison Control. The good news is ---- it's not toxic to children, unless they are of the plant variety.

    I'm off to change my pants. You shouldn't do this to pregnant ladies.

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    1. I think I'm going to start my own list of things I DON'T have to call Poison Control about. Why do they put all those damn warnings on stuff that isn't really dangerous?????

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  3. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, LOL LOL SNORT!!! sorry, t he he he he he he

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    1. I know, I know, it's funny... when it happens to me ;-)

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  4. I remember one time, my youngest Melissa, drank peroxide on time, while half asleep, thinking it was her drink sitting on her bed side table. Called the Poison Control, with a screaming child in the background, after telling all the info----was told, she'd be OK, except, seems that peroxide is used to make dogs vomit---Yeah, you got it---she started vomitting within minutes. Image what peroxide looks like coming back up----white, frothy, foaming. She was litertaly 'foaming at the mouth.' Needless to say, she left the peroxide in the bathroom cabinet from then on.

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    Replies
    1. Note to self, lock up the peroxide.

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