I've lost interest in Christmas.

I used to be a bookstore manager, which means that I worked way too much through the holidays.  

When that was the case, I had absolutely no time, energy, or patience for elaborate Christmas festivities.

Until the kids were born, I never even put up a Christmas tree. 

It's ok, you can judge me if you want.  That sounds bad even to me, and I was the one living it.

The first Christmas season after I quit working,  I went sort of insane and I frantically made all the cookies in the world and more candy than 12 sane families could consume and wore myself out with preparations and cooking and over the top decorations and basically when it was all over I felt pretty much the same way I did when I was working.

Then last year - finally -  I felt good about it all.  I thought I had found the ever elusive "balance" between celebrating and relaxing, between stuff and people, between giving and getting.  It felt good. 

Last year, I made a lot of my Christmas gifts (including two quilts!!!), I baked, I decorated, I even made some really awesome ornaments with and for the boys, but I also felt relaxed and happy and for the most part, I thought I finally had a handle on how this Christmas business was supposed to work. 

And then this year, I just can't.

I don't really care.

However terrible that sounds, it's how I feel right now.

I've done some shopping, but all the boxes are stacked in my guest room, unopened.

I haven't crafted or sewn a single gift.

My tree isn't up.  My house isn't decorated.  I haven't baked anything.  Our stupid elf has not yet made an appearance even the boys keep asking when he will arrive, and the advent calendar I was so excited about last year is still somewhere in storage with all the other Christmas decorations.

(Update: since writing this a few days ago, I have managed to get a few decorations and my tree up, but I was so grouchy about it the kids opted to go play with friends instead of helping me like they normally do.  I'm going to call that a fail.) 

I haven't posted a single recipe or tutorial or gift guide or fabulous Christmas sentiment on my blog, and I have no plans to.

I just feel sort of blah about it all.

Occasionally through my life, I've had periods when I've felt this kind of apathy toward everything.  I always call it The Ennui, and it comes and goes, usually not lasting longer that a day or occasionally a week.  This time though, I just can't shake it.

It's never come at Christmas time before.  It's a lot easier to hide it in, say, June.

So it's Christmas time and I don't want to Christmas.

I've tried to fake it for the boys, but it's been really, really hard.

I've got no spirit, no joy, no holly jolly.

But Christmas is coming, no matter how I feel about it.

What do you do when you've lost the Christmas spirit?