Mayberry - the Movie!

Ok, I'll fess up here.

I'm a HUGE Andy Griffith fan.

And that's not just to say I watched The Andy Griffith Showa lot as a kid, although that is true.


I mean I'm a FAN of the showNOW.

I think Sheriff Taylor is fair and smart and handsome, in a big-eared kind of way.

I think Aunt Bee was funny and a consumate hostess, something I constantly strive for.

I think Barney Fife was funny and well-intentioned, even though he managed to screw up nearly everything he touched.  I can truly relate to that.

Anyway, The Andy Griffith Showis good, clean, honest tv, and to this day, I love it.  It speaks to a simpler time, a time I think I would have thrived in.

I've seen every episode dozens of times, though.  A little new content would be nice.

And since movie versions of tv shows are all the rage these days (wasn't Willie Nelson AWESOME as Uncle Jesse in The Dukes of Hazzardmovie remake?) I recently did some research to see if anyone had ever tried to do a remake of The Andy Griffith Show.

Sadly, so sadly, the answer was no.

But not one to be easily discouraged, I decided to help Hollywood out a little bit by taking care of the casting.  Everyone KNOWS casting is the hardest part, right?  So now you don't have any excuses now, do you Hollywood?

I'm going to expect tickets to the premiere, thankyouverymuch.

So, without further delay...

The role of Sheriff Andy Taylor goes to:

Tom Hanks!

But not the newly-old-creepy guy Tom Hanks with the weird little gray mustache.  More like Tom Hanks 10-15 years ago,  around the time of Cast Away. He has proven that he can do both comedy and serious roles with equal measure, and he has the same type of charismatic-yet-not-quite-handsome charm as Mr. Griffith.  Have your people call my people, Tom.  We can get this project off the ground in no time.  

The role of Barney Fife goes to: 

Steve Buscemi!

Ok, I'l be honest.  I was fairly certain that this role would end up going to David Spade, but I just couldn't make it work.  I WANTED it to be him, but it just didn't feel right.  So, enter Steve Buscemi.  He usually plays a totally creepy serial killer type guy, but he has proven that he can do comedy, too (like in The Big Lebowski).Plus, he totally has the look.  Totally.

The role of Aunt Bee goes to: 

Kathy Bates! 

Out of all my very difficult casting decisions, this one was the no-brainer, really.

I think she's perfect, and since this is my fantasy world, that's enough.

The role of Helen Crump goes to:

Sela Ward!

They are both charming and classy in a totally southern way.  Apparently most of the world knows her for the tv show Sisters, but somehow I missed that one.  I do however, watch her nearly every week on CSI: NY.

The role of Thelma Lou goes to:

Andie MacDowell!

She's another kind of non-threatening, southern-charm-laden kind of actress who would fit in well with my made-up cast.  I guess my only concern about her is that she resembles Sela Ward quite a bit.  But then again, Helen and Thelma Lou could have been sisters, so I guess it fits.  

The role of Goober Pyle goes to:

Larry the Cable Guy!

Honestly, I'm not a huge LTCG fan.  Actually, I'm not even a small fan.  But Doofus, meet Doofus.  It's kind of perfect, don't you think?

The Role of Gomer Pyle Goes to:

Randy Travis! 

They both have freakishly large teeth and a beautiful singing voice.  'Nuff said.

The role of Floyd the Barber goes to:

Nathan Lane!

Seriously, could a more perfect casting choice be found anywhere?  I think not.  He's funny and fussy and slightly effeminate, just like Floyd.  They even wear the same glasses, for goodness sake.  It's serendipity.

The role of Howard Sprague goes to:

JK Simmons!

It took me FOREVER to figure out this guy's name.  See, he's in about half the movies I've seen, EVER, but no one ever really remembers him, his roles, or his name.  Which, in my humble opinion, makes him perfect for playing Howard.  Nobody ever remembers him, either.

The role of Otis Campbell goes to:

Troy Evans!

He's another you-know-you-know-this-guy-from-somewhere guy.  I know him best from ER,but he has been in about a million movies and tv shows in his lifetime.  Plus, just slap a hat on him and he's ready to roll as Otis.  They could be twinsies.  

Starring in a brief cameo appearance as Ernest T Bass is:

Jim Carrey!

Of course. 

It has to be a brief appearance though, because I can only handle Jim Carrey in really, really small doses. 

And last but not least, starring as Opie Talyor is:

I have absolutely, positively no freaking clue.  None at all.  And it's not just the red hair that's throwing me off.  I just can't find any happy wholesome child actors out there who would fit the bill.  Most of today's child actors are drug addicts, anorexic and involved in sex scandals before the age of, oh, say 11 or so.  And that just won't do.  It won't do at all.

So help a crazy Andy Griffith fan out, would ya?  Help me find my Opie.  

Who would you cast in this role?

Oh, and by the way, let me know if you think I got the rest of my casting right, too.  

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  1. I immediately knew who would play Opie. To me it's a no brainer that the role should go to Freddie Highmore. Freaking love that kid! But he's getting too old so they better hurry up with this movie.

  2. Oh poop, the World Wide Web just told me that Fredster is 21 already. Kids grow up so fast.

    1. I had no clue who that was so I googled him. And you are correct - he would have been great about 10 years ago, just like Tom Hanks was perfect about 10 years ago. Ergo, my movie is 10 years too late.


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