Hmm... it's Thursday afternoon, I really should be doing laundry, but instead I think I'll just sit down here and log into Facebook for a minute...
2 hours and 37 minutes later...
Oh, I know her! She was my 7th grade English teacher! She hasn't changed a bit! Let's just see who all she's friends with. Oh I know him! We went to elementary school together! Wow, time hasn't really been kind to him, huh? And look at his cousin. He was always nice to me. It's unfortunate about his teeth... Oh, and there's that girl. I'm so glad she finally got out of jail. Oh, and look at her! I think that's the niece of the guy I dated in high school. Wonder what he's up to these days? Oh look, his wife! I'll just click on over here and see what she's...
YOUR FRIEND REQUEST HAS BEEN SENT.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! NONONONONONONONONONO! UNDO! HOW DO I UNDO THIS? THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! NO! NO!!! I NEED TO UNSEND THIS RIGHT NOW! HOW DO I UNDO? THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! OH MY GOD! HOW DO I UNSEND?!?! OH, THERE IT IS, I'LL JUST...
YOUR FRIEND REQUEST HAS BEEN ACCEPTED.
Oh. Well then. That's just strange. Why would she accept? We don't really know each other. Well, maybe she thinks I have some ulterior motive. I'll just sit here and wait for a "What the hell do you want from me?" message.
1 hour and 12 minutes later...
Ok, she hasn't sent me a message. I wonder if I should acknowledge that I friended her by accident? I'm not sure what the proper Facebook etiquette on this is. I'll ask Natalie. She knows about stuff like this. I'll text her and see what she says.
Me: So... I accidentally just friended someone on Facebook that I was stalking. Very awkward. How should I proceed?
Natalie: Guy or girl?
Is it somebody you know?
Me: Girl. The wife of someone I used to date. She probably knows who I am but we have never met.
Natalie: She will just think you are one of those weirdos who friends everybody you have ever heard of. If she has any sense she will ignore you and you can continue stalking.
Me: Oh no. She already accepted. Now what? Do I acknowledge that I'm a weirdo stalker, or just ignore it?
Natalie: Never acknowledge. NEVER acknowledge. Ignore.
Me: I think I'm going to go delete my account now. Goodbye.
And THAT is why you should never Facebook stalk someone
"Hey, honey, what's your Facebook password?"