The second best peanut butter pie I've ever eaten.

I used to work with a guy named Bargain Jack.

Actually, his name was just Jack, but he worked in the bargain section, and there was already a Jack, and bookstore people are weird, so just go with it, ok?

Bargain Jack was a retired English teacher, and everybody knows that bookstores will take any retired English teachers on staff, immediately and forever, no questions asked.

He and I used to occasionally spend our breaks in the break room diagramming complicated sentences.

It's been a long time since I've had that much fun.

Bargain Jack had a pronounced Southern accent, loved his Harley and his Corvette beyond reason, and called his wife "Mama."  Every time he spoke about her.  Every. Single. Time.

Mama's cooking was nothing short of legendary.  Every time we had a potluck at work, Bargain Jack would bring in the most delightful creations, and nary a crumb would be left.

Once he showed up with a peanut butter pie that was the single best thing I have ever put in my mouth.  It's also possible that after eating a piece, I took the rest of the pie into my office and hid it under a stack of schedules.

I got the recipe and tired and tried and tried to recreate it, but I could never come close.

I suspect "Mama" had a secret ingredient, like magic pixie dust, or  maybe crack.

In any event, no peanut butter pie I've tried since has ever come close.

But this one is a pretty good second place.


1 pre-prepared chocolate pie crust.  I have heard crazy tales of crushing cookies and whatnot to make your own, and if you're so inclined, I applaud you.  But I just bought one right off the shelf and saved about 6 hours of my life that I would never have gotten back.

1 brick of cream cheese
1 cup of creamy peanut butter.  Choosy moms choose Jif.  I'm not judging if you use another kind, but everyone knows Jif is superior.
3 tablespoons sugar
Half of a small tub of Cool Whip.  I highly recommend you eat the other half with a spoon as you stand at the kitchen counter whipping up your pie.  Baking is hard work and you need all the energy you can get.

2 oz. semi-sweet baking chocolate (or a handful of chocolate chips - just in in case you need a backup plan because your kid ate all the baking chocolate.  With the foil wrappers on. True story.)
1/3 cup heavy whipping cream


Unwrap the pie crust.  Whew.  Aren't you glad that's done?  

Put the cream cheese, peanut butter, and sugar in a bowl and blend it with a mixer on low to medium until speed until it's fully blended.  

Find a little boy who loves peanut butter more than he loves his Mama, and give him the beaters to lick.  

There are so few great non-raw-egg-beater-licking opportunities, don't you think?

Fold in the Cool Whip until it's incorporated, then spoon it into the pie crust, smoothing out the top.

Put the whipping cream and chocolate in a small bowl and heat it in the microwave, stirring it every 15-20 seconds or so to keep it from scorching.  Once the chocolate is completely melted and mixed into the cream, let it sit to cool for a few minutes, then pour it over the top of the pie.   It should be thin and easy to spread out at this point. 

Put the pie in the fridge uncovered for an hour or two to let the chocolate set.

Eat it with a shovel.


  1. I am having a really shitty day for no apparent reason, and so I will be making and eating this peanut butter pie today. If anyone else in the house wants a piece they've better be willing to earn it via hard manual labor and outrageous compliments. And BTW, I thought I was the only person in the entire world who really loved diagramming sentences. You don't, by any chance, also enjoy conjugating verbs in Latin, do you?

  2. @Angie, peanut butter pie has been proven to cure 98.8% of all non-specific grumpiness. Actually, I just made that up, but it's still darn tasty.

  3. I will eat anything - and I do mean ANYTHING - containing a combo of chocolate and peanut butter. YUM. :)

  4. @Rita and Elle, It's totally worth the 4 minute investment in your day. I promise.


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