Oh no. I'm ruining cj's life, and he doesn't even know it yet.

I just noticed on my blog, on the part where it keeps track of how many times I have written about particular things, zj is winning.  According to these very scientific numbers, I have written about zj 32 times, and cj only 23 times.

How could have I let this happen?

Now, unless I can fix this and make it evened out, cj will grow up feeling inferior.

The lesser brother.

The family outcast.

I see many years of mood altering drugs, general angst, and therapy needed to correct the fact that  his Mama, his very own Mama, clearly loved his big brother more.

 

I have to act fast.

Truth be told, I do feel very differently about cj than I do about zj.  Any mother who says "Oh, I love my kids just the same" is either a) lying b) completely deluded or c) both.  

I'm not saying nor would I ever say, out loud anyway, that I love one of my boys MORE than the other, I just love them... differently.

Even at eight months, cj is clearly a different sort of kid that zj.  All the mothers who tell you it's not ok to compare your kids, bite me.  You know you did it too.  

Zj was energetic and into everything from the get-go.  He did everything early.  He rolled, crawled, walked and talked earlier and more prolifically than most kids.

Cj is clearly more of a watcher.  He likes to sit back and observe.  He has to get comfortable with his surroundings before he wants to interact with them or with anyone in them.  He doesn't really like anyone other that the core group of people he sees every day.

He may not be crawling by the time he starts kindergarten. 

He's kind of shy in a crowd, just like me.

I think that while zj clearly got his stubborn streak from me, cj got pretty much everything else.  

I wonder how I will ever be able to parent them fairly and equally when they are such different personalities.  What works with zj is probably never going to work with cj.  And vice versa.

These sorts of things keep me up at night.

But anyway, back to the important stuff.  As of right now, the blog score stands at zj: 32, cj: 24.

Don't worry, baby.  

Mama's got your back.