Rules of the sleepover.

Don't they look sweet and innocent here?

My boys have always been good sleepers.

By eight weeks old they were both sleeping through the night - seven to eight hours at a time - with no drugs, sorcery or "crying it out" involved.

I did, and still do, consider myself VERY blessed by this particular fortune.

They have continued to be good sleepers at night.  Naps have always been anybody's guess and vary wildly from day to day, though.

So anyway, a couple weeks ago when they asked me if they could have a sleepover in Cooper's room, I said "Sure, why not?" because I assumed they would be good sleepers TOGETHER just as much as they were good sleepers SEPARATELY.

You can see where this is going, right?

I even prepped them beforehand.

Right before bedtime, I called them over to me and said, "Guys, I want to talk to you about the rules of the sleepover, ok?  Rule number one of the sleepover, you DO NOT talk about the sleepover."  This elicited completely blank stares from them, and I made a mental reminder to show them Fight Club some time in the near future.  I can't have my kids being pop culture deficient, can I?

So I continued. "Ok, forget that one.  Rule number one of the sleepover: What happens at the sleepover stays at the sleepover."  Blank stares from them again.  It's like they were raised in a barn or something. Sigh...  I expounded on this a bit.  "That means get along, stay in the room, be quiet, and no tattling."

They seemed to grasp this one a little better. "But what if I have to pee?" asked Zachary.  "Do I just pee in Cooper's room?  Maybe on the floor?"

"Um, no.  You may leave the room only in the event that you need to pee," I responded.  "Or poop," I added quickly, because I can still OCCASIONALLY outsmart them.

"Ok, now who can tell me the rules of the sleepover?" I asked.  "DON'T POOP ON THE FLOOR!" Cooper shouted.

Eh.  Close enough.  That's a good rule to follow pretty much all the time, so I let it slide on that.  After all, they are GOOD sleepers.

So I tucked them in, reminded them to get some sleep and closed the door on their sleepover.  An hour or so later, I peeked my head in to check on them and they were fast asleep.  Smugly patting myself on the back, I went to bed.

Fast forward three hours...

I was abruptly roused from my slumber by what must be... "Oh my god how did ELEPHANTS get in my house?!?!  R, get the elephant gun!  We've been invaded!  Do you hear that?!?!"  R rolled over long enough to mumble "It's the boys," then fell promptly back asleep.

I crept cautiously into Cooper's room where I was greeted by both boys, wide awake, lights on, music blaring.  "LOOK MAMA!  US IS DANCING!" Cooper yelled.  And indeed they were.  I told them it was 1am and that dancing was firmly prohibited before 7am, so they needed to go back to bed and to sleep.

2am:  I wake again, this time to the sound of a door slamming.  Repeatedly.  I marched toward the booming sound, and found Zachary on the outside of the door pushing it shut and opening it over and over, while Cooper hung from the doorknob on the inside.  "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????!!!?!?!?!" I shouted asked calmly, to which Zachary replied, "Oh, it's ok, Mama, we're just playing hide and seek."   Oh well, if that's all it is, then carry on.

3am: I hear yelling.  And crying.  And more yelling.  Assuming that they are being abducted by a stranger, a monster, an alien or a zombie, I run into the room, only to find them sitting innocently on the bed, looking at me innocently and being all innocent.  "GO TO FLIPPING SLEEP RIGHT FLIPPING NOW!" I yelled.  When I crawled back in bed, R asked me "What are you yelling about?"

4am: I wake to barking.  "Oh, it's just the dog," I think, then close my eyes to go back to sleep... "WAIT! WE DON'T HAVE A DOG!"  When I go into their room this time, Cooper greets me with a growl and tries to lick my face.  "Us is playing puppy!" he says joyfully.

I'm not sure I ever really slept again after that.  After firmly telling them that I didn't want to hear a peep from them until the sun was up, they both remembered the bathroom loophole and had to pee about 47 times each over the next couple hours.

Finally around 6am I gave up, made them breakfast and drank a couple gallons of coffee.  Once I was feeling slightly human again, I asked them "Did you guys enjoy your sleepover?"

"It was the BEST!" Zachary answered.  "Can we do it again tonight?"

Hell no, kid.

HELL. NO.