Yard Sale Drinking Game

Every year for the past oh-my-god-I-don't-know-how-many years I have had a yard sale to rid my house of the large amounts of junk that breed here while I sleep and/or am passed out.  Every year, I BEG you people to tell me "NEVER AGAIN!" and "TAKE IT STRAIGHT TO GOODWILL!" and every year you disappoint me, just like you did last year and the year before.  But that's ok, I'm resourceful, and I found a way to deal with it much better this year, thankyouverymuch.

Welcome to the Yard Sale Drinking Game, Day 1.  I'm mj, your hostess.  The rules are simple.

1. Any time someone says "Hot enough for ya?" take a shot of tequila.
2. Any time someone says "How ya like this rain?" take a shot of gin.
3. Any time someone says "How much ya want for this?" about something that is clearly priced, take a shot of whisky.
4. Any time someone tries to buy something that is clearly NOT for sale (like your car, your lawnmower, or your kids) chug a beer.
5. Any time someone asks for something randomly specific, like a set of 1976 Encyclopedias or a motor that will fit a Bissell 66T61 upright vacuum, take a shot of vodka.
6.  Also, if someone buys today's mystery item, which is this whole box of Elmos (don't ask.  Please, god, don't ask):

 drink an entire bottle of liquor of your choice.

7:20am:  Ok, time to set up.  Of course, it hasn't rained here in 8 weeks, but it's raining buckets today, so I'll just set everything up in the garage.  It's a change of plans, but I can handle it.  Plus I have plenty of time since I didn't advertise the start time until 8am.  Oh, here's a car.  And another.  Oh, hello 14 old people.  No, you come right on in.  Yes, you're early.  Yes, it sure is raining hard.  (2 shots of whisky, 1 shot of tequila, 7 shots of gin)

10am:  Sure, lady you can sit in my car, but first you have to buy something.  Ha ha.  No, really, I'm not joking.  Ok, sure, thanks for your business.  No, go ahead.  It's unlocked.  Just don't drive off in it.  Oh, you're just going to sit there in it and make "VROOM VROOM" noises?  Oh, alrighty then, I'll just go back over here to my liquor stash.  (chug a beer, take 2 shots of tequila just for the hell of it)

12pm:  How much for the Elmos?  You mean the ones that say "Elmos $1 each" on the box?  Hmmm, there are probably 15 of them in the box, so how about $25 for the whole box?  Oh, you wanna talk me down to $20?  SOLD!!!!  One box of Elmos sold to the man with more tattoos than teeth!  You, sir, have bought today's mystery item.  Oh, it doesn't really mean anything for you, but I'm pretty excited about it.  (drink a whole bottle of gin)

1pm:  Oh, hello sir.  Oh, you didn't see my signs?  Hmmm. I'll have to check on that.  Oh, it's because you have a bad eye?  Ok.  Oh, yes, yes I see your new eye that the VA got you.  It's very... nice.  Very nice.  I had no idea the VA did eye transplants.  No, I think it's wonderful that they got you a new one, really.  You know what?  Why don't I just GIVE you this lamp?  Here, I'll help you load it in your car. No, really, I saw your nice new eye the first 6 times you showed it to me, so I don't need to see it again.  Oh, ok, one more time then.  (there's not an "I don't want to look at your new body part replacement" category.  Drink whatever's handy)

2pm:  I am DONE for the day.  Now I get to do it all over again tomorrow!  (drink all the liquor that's left, which ain't much, then call RJ to make a stop at the liquor store on his way home from work)

Yard Sale Drinking Game, Day 2:  The rules are simple.

Actually, you know what?  Screw all the rules.  I'm just gonna fill up this here big ole Sonic foam cup with an adult beverage and call it good.   We do need a mystery item for the day, though.  How about this sweater:

What IS this sweater?!?!?  Where did it come from?!?!?!  It is a pink and green
Christmas sweater, and that is so wrong, and so ugly, and so bad.  I don't
understand this sweater?!?!?  Why is it even in my life?  WHY????????

So day two commenced, and day two ended, pretty much in a hazy drunken stupor.  As it should be.  I have very little ACTUAL, FACTUAL recollection of what happened that day, but at the end of the day when I woke up, I was several hundred dollars richer and I wasn't entirely sure what had transpired.

You know, just like how I think prostitutes feel.

And THAT, my friends, is the right way to have a yard sale.


  1. Garage sales are a great way to meet people who seem to exist in an alternate universe in my experience. Love the drinking game, though you might end up selling your kids if you drink too much!

    1. I know what you mean! All the people who stopped by told me they lived "a couple miles that way," which may mean I'm surrounded. It's a great way to meet interesting people ;-)


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