Serial Killers Everywhere.

My television is magical, and RJ is the wizard behind it.

See, here's the thing.  Even though I consider myself to be crafty and mechanically inclined and even a fairly decent home DIYer, if you put something with wires and cords in front of me I go all stupid and failure is inevitable.  Add in anything that doesn't have cords or wires, like with a wireless connection, and my whole left side goes numb and I drool a little.  It is magic.  It is sorcery.  It is coming from space, so it might be laced with alien spit or something.  I want nothing to do with it.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have lined up all four (yes, FOUR.  WHO HAS FOUR?!?!?!) remotes, taken a pic and texted it to RJ.  "Zj wants to watch a movie.  I need you to walk me through what buttons to push."

But RJ, who works diligently to ensure my happiness, has recently done something to the tv that makes it magical.  Basically, I say to him "Hey. There's a show I want to see."  Then he does some magic shit and suddenly it's on my tv.  I'm not entirely sure WHAT he did, or HOW he did it, but that's ok, because that's how magic works, people.  Don't ruin it for me, ok?

I recently mentioned to him that I'd like to watch the show Criminal Minds.  It's one of those shows that I've always heard about but never watched, even though it fit nicely into the kind of police procedural dramas I usually enjoy.  And a little while later, Magico Presto! the first season was ready and waiting for me.

I devoured it.  And then the second and third seasons, and now I'm in the middle of the fourth.

The characters are great, and I love nerdy Dr. Reid more than I should, but I have noticed that it's made me a little jumpier and more suspicious than normal.  And I'm usually plenty suspicious anyway.  That guy who looked at me a little too long at Wal-Mart?  I think he might want to kidnap me so he can eat my face off.  That woman who spoke to the kids?  Definitely going to steal them to replace the ones she lost.  That weird old guy who tried to ask me for directions?  Yeah, I'm gonna mace him and run screaming faster than you can say "Mommy Issues."

So anyway, I've started a list of things that, based on episodes I've already watched, I can't do any more.  It's by no means complete, because as I mentioned I'm only on season four, and there are seven seasons to date.   But it's a pretty good start of a guideline if I don't want to be dressed up in a serial killer's dead mother's old clothes and made to sing Hush Little Baby at gunpoint every night.

Starting today, I can never again:

1. Run alone
2. Drive alone
3. Stay in my house alone
4. Ride in the car with someone else
5. Go to the mall
6. Go to the movies
7. Go to a restaurant
8. Smile at someone
9. Frown at someone
10. Have brown hair
11. Have blonde hair
12. Have red hair
13. Have blue eyes
14. have brown eyes
15. Honk the horn at someone
16. Order pizza
17. Let a repairman in my house
18. Hire a hooker
19. Have a twin
20. Go on vacation
21. Buy a television
22. Ride on a train
23. Go to the park
24. Play football
25. Get old
26. Stay young
27. Be alive
28. Be dead
29. Leave my windows open
30. Close my windows



So anyway, if you're looking for me, I'm just going to be over here huddled in the corner, back to the wall, lights off, shaking and hearing strange noises and seeing strange shadows everywhere.

Oh, and watching seasons four through seven of Criminal Minds.

Because I can't stop.


  1. HA HA HA HA HA LOL!!! So great!

    1. It's really hard living in my head sometimes :-)

  2. So funny. That's why I avoid those crime shows...I'd rather watch crazy people like "Nurse Jackie" and Nancy Botwin on "Weeds".

    1. I also enjoy crazy people, probably because I can relate. I'm thinking Nurse Jackie would be right up my alley, too. Maybe I'll try it next if I survive Criminal Minds.


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