Dr. Google

Today, I'm sick, and Google is my doctor of choice.

The last time I went to a doctor (except of the obstretical variety) on my own accord was when I was in high school.  Even then, I was coerced.  I had a weird rash, and my Mama told me if I didn't go see the doctor about it I couldn't go out that night.  So I went.  Of course.  I walked in, sat down, and the doctor came in and said "What seems to be the problem?"  I said "I have a rash." He asked, "Does it itch?"  Nope.  "Does it hurt?"  It didn't.  Then he said, "Hmmm.  It looks like a rash.  Come back if it starts to itch or hurt.  Please pay the nurse on the way out."  I said "I told you it was a rash when I came in.  Maybe you should pay me."  I was a bit of a smarty pants in my younger days.  Anyway, I decided right then and there that unless I was near death, doctors just weren't for me.

However, I'm not a total lunatic.  I do monitor my health (where by monitor I mean I often Google random symptoms and then determine I have a variety of deadly diseases and will probably die right NOW oh my gosh I'm still upright and how can I be typing this if I'm dead already?!?!?) and my boys go to the doctor regularly.  They go to all their checkups and such, and occasionally I even take them in when they are sick or injured.

But that's where it gets tricky.

See, I'm definitely not the type to run my kids into the doctor at the slightest sniffle or bump.  Imagine that.  However, there are certain situations that may warrant a visit, like the time zj's "little cold" wouldn't clear up and he was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia, or the time he jumped off the tallest thing at the play area in the mall and his twisted ankle turned out to be a broken leg.  Which, by the way, he walked around on ALL day.  High pain tolerance much?

But those are extreme circumstances, certainly.

Mostly, I just have a hard time deciding if this cold is the one we need to have treated, or if it will pass in a day or two anyway.  And then there are the injuries, you know, the inevitable ones that come from having two rambunctious boys running around the house.

So I turn to my trusted Dr. Google to help me decide.

"Toddler sprayed Windex in eyes" got me scared enough to actually call the doctor's office, especially after I read the judgey McJudgerson lady who posted comments on a thread about the topic like "How could you DARE leave DANGEROUS chemicals where your CHILD could REACH THEM?  You are a worthless excuse for a PARENT!" Uh, I was washing a mirror and then I had to pee?  Also, who's watching your kids while you're on the internet judging me, lady?  Anyway, good news, while not totally harmless, a little water flushes that stuff right out, no permanent harm done.

"How big facial wound needs stitches 5 year old?" had me measuring an open, bleeding wound with a ruler before I decided I would just suck it up and take him to the Urgent Care.  Good thing, too.  It probably minimized the permanent scar's size by half:

I expect at some point in his life he will love this scar, because eyebrow scars are kinda mysterious and tough-guy and stuff, right?  Right?

"Toddler bit through tongue lots of blood" warranted another call to the pediatrician's office, because I was getting conflicting information from Google.  But according to the nurse I spoke with, as long as it wasn't hanging on by a thread or bitten completely off (which it wasn't), tongues are tricky things to fix and heal quickly on their own, and oh by the way, lay off anything spicy or salty for him for the next few days.  Easy enough, since cj mostly eats things in the "orange" food group at the moment, like macaroni and cheese.

At this point, the fact that I've searched for a blue million injuries and ailments online, combined with the fact that I've seen every single episode of ER (some of them twice!) makes me completely and utterly able to diagnose, and in most cases, treat anything that comes up at my house.

So as I sit here, head pounding every single time my heart beats so I'm willing it not to beat (oh wait.  That may fall into the "incompatible with life" category, huh?) and with green slime running out my nose, my self-diagnosis is clear.  I either have a sinus infection, or there are aliens eating my brain.

I'm betting on the aliens.

Is there a pill for that?