6/06/2011

What Not To Wear: The Amusement Park Edition

The J Family recently went to Holiday World for a day of riding rides, eating overpriced ice cream and funnel cake, splashing in the water park, having a variety of meltdowns (me, not the kids), and playing games in order to spend $20 to "win" a $.47 stuffed animal.

Good times.

Before we left, I checked the weather.

92 and sunny.

Ya know, hot.

I dressed the kids in their coolest clothes and slathered them with sunscreen, then spent way too long stressing about what I should wear.  It's gonna be hot so I'd like to wear something cool, but cool usually equals low and short and skin and I don't want to look TRASHY, ya know, like somebody who should be featured on the People of Wal-Mart, except this time I would be The People of Holiday World and OMG what if somebody creates a website JUST to make fun of me and I'm like the inaugural post or something?


I finally settled on this:




Before we left I asked RJ no less than several hundred a dozen times if I was showing too much skin, or if I looked trashy, or if maybe I should go put a REAL shirt on.  And some pants.  I'm an 80 year old prude trapped in a 37 year old body, y'all.

Once we got to Holiday World, I could see pretty much immediately that I  even though you could see my ARMS, for goodness sake, I was still on the conservative side of the dress code.  And even though I am no fashion plate and I have struggled with dressing myself my entire adult life, I saw many, many, many, many people who were dressed in such a way that I became frightened, ill, and on one memorable instance, blind for about ten minutes.

So this is my gift to you, world.  If you are planning a trip to an amusement/water park in the future, here are some things that you should absolutely not wear.

1)  Full safari gear.

Shortly after entering the park, I saw a woman, probably in her 70's, in a full on safari getup, complete with hat, netting and gigantic camera around her neck.  I thought at first she was a park employee of some sort in costume, coming to take our picture for us.

Uh, no. 

In reality, she was just a really overly dressed 70 year old woman in danger of having a heat stroke.  

Uh, lady, I'm pretty sure you're not going to have to stalk and catch any wild animals here, mmmk?  Unless you want to be in charge of my children.


2) Formal attire.


To the lady in the red sequined evening gown who also was not part of the entertainment: What. The. Hell?  Really?  When you got up this morning, did you think "Well, I feel pretty today.  I think I'll wear my prom dress from 20 years ago to the amusement park.  It will be perfect for the Water Log ride."  


3) I don't even know what to call this:


Ok, imagine this.  Imagine this look, except with those louvered window-shade looking sunglasses and a hat of questionable origins.  Kinda fedora-like?  Anyway, upon further consideration, I'm going to give this look a pass, because the only reasonable... reason someone would ever even leave the house dressed like this is that he or she has some hideous deformity that is even scarier than the look itself.   I feel bad for you, and I'm sorry I made fun of your outfit. Ok, really I'm not that sorry. 


4) Wife-beater shirt tucked into cutoff denim shorts, with a belt.


Sir, this is an undershirt.  It is sold in the same place in the store as the underwear.  Tucking it in and putting a belt on does not make it dressy enough to wear in lieu of an actual shirt.  Thank you for your attention to this matter.


Later in the afternoon, we went to the water park area, and I'd like to throw this disclaimer out there first.  I saw many, many people of every size, shape and gender who were dressed in flattering bathing suits that were totally acceptable and appropriate, even to an old prude like me.

But then I saw things like this:


and so much of this 


mostly on adult men who should, at the age of 40 plus, have gained the ability to pull their pants up when they feel them slipping down, that I actually went blind for a while.

It's ok.

The blindness was a blessing.

Really, don't you people look in a mirror before leaving your house?  Or maybe TRY ON your suit to make sure it still fits, even though you've lost and/or gained 50 pounds since last year?  

It's common sense, right?

Ok, guess not.

Good thing you've got me to set you straight.

You're welcome.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, wow. Those bathing suit pics are a big part of the reason it's been so long since I've been to a water park. The last time we went to Holiday World we ended up in line behind a family that had matching tattoos. Real ones, and the kids were five and seven. Yes, I asked.

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  2. @Angie, It has been decades since I've been to a place like that, but the kids are old enough now to enjoy it... It was scary. Very scary.

    But thanks for the tip on what the J family can do for our next outing. Family tattoos! It's the perfect way to kick off Redneck SUmmer '11! ;-)

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  3. I'll give your #4 a hearty AMEN, and go it one better. It is NOT appropriate attire for your girlfriend to wear either, with, and especially without, a sports bra underneath.

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