Reflections while running 10 miles. With Redneck Playlist!!!

So, I ran this race the other day, never mind the fact that I probably wasn't ready for a ten miler.  I did it, and I did it, and that's all there is to it.

The end.

Oh not really, silly.  There's a lot more to it than that.

I thought I'd give you a rundown, mile by painful mile, of everything in my head, and also everyone who passed me.  I hate them all.  Oh, and also what I was listening to on my iPod at the time.

You're welcome.

RACE STARTING LINE:  Me: Ok, I can totally do this. Oh dear - is that the crazy power-walking Asian I saw at the 10k?  I'm pretty sure her swinging arms gave me a black eye.  Lord, save me from the power walkers. Also, it is so freakin' cold I cannot feel anything that is not directly attached to my torso.  On the playlist: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

1/2 MILE MARK:  Oh dear Lord IT IS HOT!  Jacket coming off, getting tied around waist.  Also, first dead thing spotted in the road.  Maybe it used to be a squirrel.  Or a dog.  On the playlist: Have You Left the One You've Left Me For? by Crystal Gayle

1 MILE MARK: Ok, I got this.  9 more to go.  No problem.  I. AM. A. RUNNER.  This is what I do.  On the playlist: Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under? by Shania Twain

1 1/2 MILE MARK:  Ok, this isn't so bad.  HEY!  Are those guys passing me on the other side of the street ALMOST FINISHED!  WTH??!?!??!  I'm just getting started.  How is that even possible?!?!?!?  Also, it is HOT.  On the playlist: Trashy Women by Confederate Railroad

2 MILE MARK:  There are sure a lot of people passing me.  What's up with that?  Ok, Grandma, just run right on by me like I'm in reverse.  Also, it is freakin' HOT.  But I'm ok.  This is fun, sorta.  And my time is good, and I'm on pace, and I like to run.  Slowly.  AND... dead thing number two in the road.  A bird, definitely a bird.  On the playlist: Jose Cuervo by Tanya Tucker

3 MILE MARK: OH DEAR LORD.  Where did this hill from Hell come from?  Well, keep positive.  What goes up must go down, right?  Right?  I'll get a break soon because this bad-boy hill will go DOWN next.  Oh, hello guy with a fake leg.  No, you go right on past me.  I don't mind a bit.  I'm just going to hold back a little and conserve some energy here.   On the playlist:  Ain't Going Down Till the Sun Comes Up by Garth Brooks

4 MILE MARK: Ok, this is ridiculous.  How is it possible that this hill is STILL. GOING. UP? Pretty sure I'm going to get hit by an airplane soon at this rate.  Oops, dead thing in the road.  Might be a possum.  Or maybe a giraffe.  Am I drinking enough?  I feel sort of light-headed.   Oh, hi there lady in A SKIRT.  Not a cute running skirt like my friend Dianna wants, but a full-length denim number.  And...  you just run right past me, too.  I don't mind.  Really.  I have plenty of time to catch up.  Plus, you're probably going to trip soon anyway.  Ya know, ON THE SKIRT.  On the playlist: The Bug by Mary Chapin Carpenter

5 MILE MARK:  I am halfway.  UP. THIS. FREAKIN'. HILL.  And I am still going up.  What circle of Hell is this, exactly? Ok, concentrate, mj.  Pull it together.  You are half-way, you got this.  Hi Guy With a Do-Rag, Multiple Tats, an Eyebrow Ring and a WALLET ON A CHAIN.  It's clear sports and fitness are high on your priority list, so run right on by me.  I don't mind.  Really.  On the playlist: Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash

6 MILE MARK:  More than half way.  Hey, if this were a 10k, I'd be almost done now.  Wonder what's for dinner tonight?  I'm burning so many calories I can eat whatever I want.  Or drink.  Maybe a bottle of wine.  Or two.  I really like that Black Cherry I had the other day.  Well, hello, 8 year old boy and Dad.  Just go on, I don't mind if you pass me.  It's probably the kid's bedtime soon and you have to get home, right?  Go right on ahead.  Really.  On the playlist: Gotta Get Drunk by Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson

7 MILE MARK:  Three more miles.  I can do this.  Actually, I don't see a lot of other options.  I mean, I guess I could just sit down with those nice spectators for a while and text RJ to come pick me up here when he's finished.  OH, HELLO, paramedics on bicycles.  Can you give me a little ride?  Just for a couple miles or so?  Ok, fine, ride on by.  Clearly I don't look near death enough for you to aid and assist.  Didn't you have to take some sort of oath?  Whatever.  On the playlist:  Heaven's Just a Sin Away by Kelly Willis

8 MILE MARK: Two more miles.  I can do this.  Oh, hi dead thing.  I think we met before...  At this point, I'm not sure there is anybody else behind me, because I've been passed so many times...  Oh, guess I was wrong.  Go on Shadowboxing Grandpa.  Rocky much?  In other news, I can't feel my a$$.  At all.  It's likely a blessing.   On the playlist: How Do You Like Me Now?  by Toby Keith

9 MILE MARK:  One Mile Left!  I can do it!  I can do it!  Also, still no feeling in my a$$.  I may have to get a transplant.  Are a$$ transplants mainstream yet, or will I have to have surgery in some jungle in South America?  Sure, Richard-Simmons-Headband-and-Shorts-Wearing-400-Pound-Guy, go on ahead of me.  It's fine.  Really.  On the playlist: A Few More Rednecks by Charlie Daniels

9 1/2 MILE MARK:  OH. DEAR. LORD.  Another hill?  Not ok.  Just not ok.  Whatever, it's almost over.  At this point I'm motivated by the thought that I'll get to stop soon.  Oh, hello lady, just go right on by -  OH HELL NO!  I WILL NOT BE PASSED BY A POWER WALKER.  It's on, bitch.  Don't even think about it.  On the playlist: You've Got to Stand For Something by Aaron Tippin

FINISH LINE IN SIGHT:  I did it.  Where'd my a$$ go?  Where am I?  Oh, wait, wake up, mj and FINISH STRONG!    Hey, is that pizza I smell?   Cause I could totally go for a pizza right now.  *gagging a little* Or maybe I'll skip the pizza.  Whatever.  I. AM. DONE!  I. DID. IT!  On the playlist: Ready to Run by the Dixie Chicks

Also, as I was running 10 miles and writing this post in my head, it's quite possible I was delusional from the dehydration it was much funnier.  In my head.  That happens a lot, ya know.  Sorry 'bout your luck.


  1. OMG I love this post! Please promise you'll do a follow-up after the mini! Also, I'm starring this in my Google reader so I can add the few of these songs that aren't already on my mp3. How did I forget about "Heaven's Just a Sin Away?" - it's a classic!

  2. I nearly peed my pants laughing ..... and this post has the added distinction of being the FIRST thing I read on the new iPad!

    Was there a really a denim skirt wearing girl?

  3. No - the denim skirt girl was real - I saw her and just about fell over. I mean, really??

    And I totally relate to your entire post. After mile 7 I couldn't feel my a$$ either. :)

  4. @Kim, I sincerely hope the feeling has come back into your a$$ at this point ;-) Thanks for stopping by!

  5. I want you to know that I come back and read this when I want to split my sides laughing. I LOVE this!

    And you do realize that I commented before, under Brett's name??

  6. This was way to funny!! NEVER have I read a play by play of a 10 mile race!! Love it, way to funny :)


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