11/15/2010

The one where I try to out-redneck a redneck.

I read a great post last week over at The Jammie Girl about how her family is more redneck than yours.  Well, it may be more redneck than yours, but I beg to differ that it's more redneck than mine ;-)

She mentioned that her competitive spirit kicked in whenever someone mentioned a redneck tale.

Did someone say competition?

Oh, girl, I'm in.  Here goes nothing.

Back in the nineties when Jeff Foxworthy was at his prime, I remember I didn't really get his humor. There was one particular instance when he had a special on tv that my then-boyfriend was dying to see.  He drove his 1967 Chevelle (primered, no hood) to the country store up the road for some Hot Fries and Mountain Dew and arrived at my house promptly at eight.

As we were watching, Mr. Foxworthy would make statements like "You might be a redneck if directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road.'" Umm... that's not funny, that's true.   I lived on a farm for the first twelve years of my life that was approximately one mile from anything paved.  Also, it was not only a gravel road, it was a one-lane gravel road.  So, say someone was coming and someone was going at the same time, then one person or the other would have to back up.  A mile.  Also, on this gravel road, there was a cattle guard and a gate that had to be opened in order to pass.  In cold or rainy weather, negotiations about who would have to get out and open the gate would begin soon after turning off the pavement.  I don't remember if there was a really a system, but I seem to remember my Sis B doing more than her fair share of gate opening.  Martyr, that one.  Always has been, always will be.  Anyway, moving on...

Mr. Foxworthy would also make statements like "If your family tree doesn't branch, you might be a redneck."  Ok, I'm not going to go into all the sordid family history here because a) it's mortifying and b) it's mortifying, but here's what I can tell you.  I  have a first cousin who is also my second cousin.  And that's just the one I'm willing to talk about on the internet...

More from Mr. Foxworthy: "You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight."   Again, not funny, true...  The house I grew up in did not have running water for quite some time, and we used, you guessed it, an outhouse.

Ok, here's the last one, even though I have a true life story for most of Mr. Foxworthy's one-liners.  "If you've ever had to postpone the family reunion until after the parole hearing, you might be a redneck."  I went to a very small elementary school (K-8 in 5 classrooms, about 100 kids total) and one of the highlights of eighth grade year was usually a trip to the local courthouse and jail.  The year I was in eighth grade, however, the trip was cancelled because it was determined it might be embarrassing to me and another classmate of mine, since we both had MULTIPLE family members who were currently incarcerated in the local jail.

Ok, that's all I'm willing to admit to at this point.

Hi, I'm MJ, and I'm a redneck.

6 comments:

  1. I am DYING laughing!!! Cancelling the eighth grade trip it my hands-down favorite. Of course now I'm also craving Mountain Dew and Hot Fries - sigh. You made my day :)

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  2. @ The Jammie Girl - thanks! I love to make others laugh, even if it is at my own expense. And, oddly, it usually is. Thanks for a great post idea :)

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  3. I'm not a martyr. Never have been, never will be...

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  4. I've never laughed so hard in all my life .... now wracking my brain to recall who you were dating ....

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  5. This was a fantastic post!! SO funny! I love how you used Jeff Foxworthy to explain them. I can think of many that apply to my DH's family too (I married a redneck aka country boy).

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  6. @ The Drama Mama - thanks! I could keep going all day on these... sad but true... But in your favor, it's hard to beat a country boy :)

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